it hurts more in the daytime
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize