Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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