Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
