god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
