you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
