i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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