i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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