Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
