You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
