It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
