just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
