i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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