new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
