lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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