if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
