And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
