im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
