i would punch a child for taco bell
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
And then he peed in my hair
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