At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
