Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
