i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
