i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
