My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
