i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Randomize
