Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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