This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
