Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
