dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
