meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
