I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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