Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
