really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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