the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
