Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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