i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
