watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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