I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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