my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize