I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
