i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize