I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
