This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
