If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
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