Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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