Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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