i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
