Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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