I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
