I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
