just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
