I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
