then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
