remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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