college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
