I can text with my tongue
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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