remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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