This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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