sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
