Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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