Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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