lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
