Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
