yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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